I
believe that everyone has the potential to be anything they want to be. I
believe they have the potential to shift their nature, attitude, ideas and
thinking that does not add to their life. Growing up in a dysfunctional
environment has really pushed me to further study this theory more and give
hope to the hopeless and power to the powerless. Nature vs. Nurture is an
important aspect to my point. Nature is what a person is biologically
predisposed to and Nurture are those environmental factors such as experiences
that shape us. I believe that an
individual who may be genetically predisposed to being an alcoholic, drug
addict, abuser, obese has the potential to shift those dispositions and change
their lives for the better. I also believe that an individual who has
experienced any type of abuse as a
child, any trauma or any dysfunctional experiences that shaped them to grow up
having various mental issues can shift
that.
I
grew up in dysfunction myself. What I see in my own family is the passing down
of legacies of dysfunction. Instead of building wealth and passing down wealth
transfers, strong values and morals and a legacy of worth; I see brokenness,
poverty, abuse, ignorance being passed down. My grandmother could only raise my
sister and I with what she had to give.
My mother and father did not possess the capabilities to raise me with
strong values because they did not posses them themselves. My mother suffered
from abandonment issues, trauma, loss
identity, brokenness, no self worth and
someone as herself couldn’t give two daughters what they needed to thrive and
be successful. My father was a mama’s boy,
and just as my mother he also dealt with abandonment issues, no sense of
identity or self worth, alcoholism, drugs, trauma and brokenness. As much as I
tried to believe that I was different and would never be like them…I would soon
come to learn that the damage had already been done.
“Some things in life just aren’t
fair. But it’s up to you to decide if you are going to do something about it or
succumb to what has already been done. The awesome thing about being a
participator in your damage is seeing how God can turn your darkest moments
into His greatest victories that will in turn help countless amounts of people.” I always call my
childhood or relate to it as the Cinderella Story. As much as I love, respect
and appreciate my grandmother, she sure put it on me in my youth. I do have to
admit I was a bit of a firecracker. I remember when my grandmother obtained
full custody of my sister and I. We began living with her and slept in the same
room as her. I loved my grandmother to death! I remember always hugging her, giving
her kisses before going to sleep and praying for her. My grandmother was my everything
and I felt loved. But as I begin to grow up I began to notice a difference in
how my sister and I were treated. I grew
up feeling not good enough, and always trying to make others happy. I would
always call myself a servant and hated it! I hated that my grandmother always
made me clean her room, wash the clothes, get her things from her purse, clean
her closet and the list goes on. While my sister had it so easy. I would get
slapped and spanked for doing things wrong that didn’t require that type of
discipline. One school year my grandma bought my sister new clothes and shoes
and said there wasn’t enough money for me to get new things so I just got one
pair of shoes. As a child my mind told me that I wasn’t good enough and loved
enough to receive what my sister received. My sister got her permit and license
and I wasn’t able to when I came of age. I was so angry and as I grew up the
anger, resentment, hatred began to grow with me. I literally hated my grandma.
Yes, I said hate. I know that may be shocking but I felt like no one loved me. I
guess my two bestfriends were anger and hate. So I tried to behave in ways that
would make my grandma happy. Though it didn’t always work because the anger
caused me to act out in ways that she didn’t like, so I got into even more
trouble. I remember writing a note to a boy in 1st grade saying do
you want to kiss me. I got in so much trouble and my grandmother threatened to
send me to an all girl’s school. But even at a young age as 6, I was looking
for love and attention. I’m surprised we
had branches left on our tree from all the whoopings I received. My family was very critical and
constantly made fun of my African
features, my behind. I am happy to say that today I embrace my African culture
on my backside! Why did I have to be
treated so different? I always felt like I was different and the odd one out in
my family. When family would come over I would stay in the family room for a
litte bit then make my way to my bedroom. I enjoyed being alone and hated it at
the same time. I felt like I could relate to no one. I remember praying as a child because I would
feel so much pain and lonliness. I was suicidal and literally had a way in how
I would go about killing myself. The best thing my grandmother gave me was
taking me to church so that I can know Jesus. If it wasn’t for Jesus I would be
dead. I would not be here writing this book to help countless others who need
to Ignite their lives to Movement. The one thing I held onto as a child was
that if you commit suicide you go to hell and it may not be true to some but it
was the one thing that saved my life and God used it to save mine. Being introduced to Jesus was my nurture.
It was a pertinent factor in my environment that helped me to shift from killing
myself. Even though I didn’t have any self worth, I had a little bit of some
worth that caused me to hold onto Jesus. So I prayed and asked God why all the
time, did I have to be treated the way I did. At about the age of maybe 8 or 9
my father molested my sisters friend while she was spending the night at our
house. This news was devastating, embarrassing, traumatizing and I would later
learn would shift my thinking and my perception of men. I think the worst part
about it besides this child being violated was that my family NEVER talked
about it. No one ever sat my sister and us down, we never went to therapy or counseling
to discuss what happened and help us to articulate our concerns and fears. When
he was released from prison and moved back home I hated it. I had no respect
for him, didn’t listen to him, I thought he should go to hell and I thought it
was okay for people who commit a crime such as that to deserve to go to hell.
So my mindset was completely in turmoil. I say that because my mindset and
perceptions determined my actions, my reactions and how I handled situations
and people. I am forever grateful to God because I could be lost right now. My
experiences could have taken me out! But God! But God! But God stepped in and I
said Yes! It took me until the age of 22 to really give my life to Christ. So
the damage like I said before had been done way back when before I was born.
“It takes a lot to face your damage
because it hurts.” As I sit here writing this book my
heart is broken and it hurts to have to relive this pain over again. I sure
thought because I am saved now that all the pain and trauma would somehow
magically vanish. But I have come to realize that it is a process to being born again. Just as an embryo develops into a
fetus and a fetus into a baby, I had to be developed and remolded again; but
this time in Christ. Jesus has to strip
the layers of damage that has built itself up on us so He can get to the root
of our pain. The beautiful thing is that when Jesus gets to the root…He can
transform. He can shift. He can change. He can renew. He can make new. Even though I am grown women today, I have
little girl tendencies. As I write this back I am literally battling for my
life, for that other woman, for that man, for that child’s life that I have
been called to change. My life depends
on writing this book and yours does too because your reading it. I came across a quote that said “vulnerability
is courageous,” and if that is the case then on this day I choose
vulnerability. I release myself to be courageous. I release myself to relive my
pain so that someone else’s life can be saved. This is the point where the
litte girl inside of me will die so I can live as the warrior woman God created
me to be. I choose to die so that I can live. This is my Rites of Passage.
