The Ugly Chronicles

When life is not picture perfect it can be quite upsetting. When things are not flowing and going as planned that can get a bit overwhelming. When your expectations and standards superceed into the realm of unattainable, it can be very upsetting when things fail to turn out how you desire them to. As I planned my year and thought of a word to guide me through my year, the word "surrender" immediately came to mine. Surrender, I thought was good! I thought, "I can surrender and give everything to God." Then the work begins to happen and experiences and emotions begin to stir and I think "surrender?" really...I don't know that I can. This year is my 29th year and as I enter into the year of 30 I so desire to become as close to whole and spirit led as possible. In the third month of my 29th year on this planet called earth, I fill the void of unfinished business and stagnation. What use to work to bring me some sort of sufficiency no longer works. I willingly ask God to remove, strip, transform me, to show me the ugliness that realms within me, to cleanse me and I have to admit this process hasn't been easy. Nor does the enemy want this transformation to take place so the enemy isn't fighting fair and using all his tactics and tricks.

Be Prepared For The Answer To Your Prayer

What do you do the day you wake up and realize that everything you thought you were in your Faith, your not? What if someone came your way and told you that your life as a "Christian" is not what it is supposed to be. What if you discovered that the power you have been operating in has not been the power of God, but your own power or some other spirit? What happens when God flips the tables in your life and tells you to exit from His temple? What do you do from here?

My last month can be described as one of Agitation, Excavation and Realization. God has been agitating everything I thought I knew about my Faith and who I am in Christ. He has began to uproot things I became comfortable in and with. He has given me realization of who He is and His expectations. So where do you go from here when the comfort in your ways of thinking are uprooted and now your Exposed and Naked.

I was not prepared for my the answer but now that I am here...what will I do?

A Griot From Ghana: Looking out the window of Heritage Hotel

From the vrooms of traffic

Cock a doodle doo's of roosters

Steps of the people on

The red clay like sand

Stoic cemented buildings stand

Vibrancies of color expanding across the Land

Rhythm of the language rolling off tongues

Medasi paa!! Thank you very much!

Moves just like a song

The strands of palm tree leaves brings shade to the Land

Brown skin to brown skin Melanin

Generations being carried on the backs of Queens

The hustle and bustle of life in the streets

Spintex Road is where I found my legacy

From the mmm's!! To ahhs! okaayss! Akwaaba!!!

The waters of Cape Coast kiss the sand

Where my ancestors stomped and danced the Land

The ocean became some of their graves

I can hear their voices in the midst of the waves

I wonder...what are their names?

Ase Ase to all the oceans unmarked graves...

6 November 2017

I wrote this poem while in Ghana as I reflected on some of my observations and experiences that I had. Africa moved every part of my being and experiencing Ghana with all of my senses heightened my belonging to Africa and my love for my Africa, my home. I will be forever changed because I returned to my Motherland. As my Ancestors exited through Elmina Slave dungeon's door of no return they thought we would be no more, but we returned...

Shalom,

Jazz

Practicing & Praying Through Advent.

As I was reading a blog on Lara Casey and preparing December goals, I came across a post by Lara Casey founder of Make it Happen writing about one of her December goals dedicated to Advent. I soon began to ponder on what is Advent? I thought she is a Christian and so am I, but I do not recall practicing Advent. So the researcher in me began to google Advent. My findings were that Advent is the anticipation of the Coming of Jesus Christ. Advent reflects on the "two comings" of Christ. The first coming is the birth of Jesus and the second coming is what us Christians are looking forward to and that is Jesus Christ returning again. My findings also led me to learn that four weeks of study, prayer and fasting are dedicated to Advent and through this process one is able to connect with the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit in a more in depth and intimate way. Advent brings back what the real meaning and symbolism of Christmas is and focuses the mind, heart and soul on Jesus! I then decided to begin my own journey through this four week journey of Advent. I am using the devotional The Dawning of Indestructible Joy: Daily Reading for Advent by John Piper. I began my journey today on day four of Advent so I went back and read the introduction and days one, two and three.  I have learned that Advent is not just for reflecting on the coming of Christ but the "continual advent into more and more lives" (John Piper). This is awesome! God is continually working and Jesus came on a mission to seek and save the lost. Jesus is thee greatest example of what it means to seek, serve and save lives. I am excited for what will be birthed out of this journey of practicing Advent, surrendering to God and  allowing Jesus Christ to continually Advent his love, power, grace,compassion into my Spirit. I will update you on my journey. If you want to join me it is not too late. You can find many devotionals pertaining to Advent online. I will also place the link of the devotional I am reading below. Blessings and Love to You!

Shalom,
Jazz

https://document.desiringgod.org/the-dawning-of-indestructible-joy-en.pdf?ts=1446648252

Mama Mission: Motherhood and Mission Work

Peace to you! Here I am the mother of a one year old and newborn (at the time) and about to go on a Mission trip to Ghana. It did not seem so crazy, but as the date of the trip got closer I began to get a bit nervous about leaving my girls. I am a fairly new Mama and still getting use to my new role as Wife and Mother, but I still have a calling and purpose to fulfill in this lifetime. Before I even thought about becoming a wife and mother I knew I wanted to go on mission trips sharing about the God that I serve. I have always desired to help others all around the world. I just did not realize it would be after becoming married and having children. One thing I have learned about this life and my God is that you have to be able to bend without breaking and God's plans are purposed especially and specifically for my life; even when those plans do not line up with mine. Everything is connected. So doing mission work is connected to the ministry of Motherhood. Both of these statuses of Missionary and Mother are one in the same. How so you say? Well what does it mean to be a Mother? A Mother is an individual who gives birth to new life, nurtures, protects, teaches, raises, instills wisdom, models their life for someone else to follow them. These characteristics are similar of those called to be Missionaries. Missionaries teach the Word, the exhibit love, they serve others, they nurture, protect, they model their life after Christ in hopes of others following the Christ within them. Mission work edifies Motherhood and being a Mother with the heart for Mission work will transform how you raise your children, serve others, build your home and family and beyond. Motherhood should not limit you from the calling and purpose God has on your life. Motherhood is part of your calling and will add to your purpose. If your calling and life purpose is a tree with many branches, then becoming a Mother means that your tree just grew another branch. Now someone else will benefit from your God given purpose!

 So, back to the mission trip! It is now September and my girls are 2 years and 8 months and its time to get our mandatory travel vaccines. This was the most difficult part for me and the moment I realized I was really going to Africa in a month. Why was this part so hard? Well at the time I was breastfeeding my 8 month daughter and dreading not being able to breastfeed her while in Africa. Ill never forget September 14, 2017 my husband and I go to the clinic to get our vaccines and the nurse gives me paperwork to sign as she walks out to get the vaccine. I read over the paperwork and there is a section you must sign promising you will no longer breastfeed your infant due to receiving the vaccine. I was devastated and when the nurse came back I told her the situation and there was not much I could do except leave or get the vaccine. Long story short* I got the vaccine and cried for a week because I could not breastfeed my baby. Fortunately, my daughter took pretty well to bottles after a couple days. That situation made me think about God giving Jesus as a sacrifice for my sins! My heart felt so sad because I could not breastfeed. I felt like I abandoned my baby and let her down. But God gave His one and only Son so that I could be free! Wow! So fast forward the trip is here and we have a week or two and I am feeling grateful that I got the vaccine and stopped breastfeeding, because it would have been too difficult to stop breastfeeding a week before leaving. So thankfully it all worked out and I felt secure leaving my girls with the best God-family and my In-laws.

How did the mission trip change me? Did it make an impact on me? Do I feel different as mother?
Going on this mission trip to Africa was life changing. I did not just go to serve and help, but I returned home. I saw simplicity and efficiency. I saw commUNITY and love. I felt secure, safe and accepted. I felt my people and I believe the individuals I was able to encounter felt me. I will never look at life the same again. I have no more room for excuses, fears, or doubts. My calling is not only connected to the people I see on a daily, at church, in public but it is connected to Africa and the next seven generations that will be birthed from me and my children and their children and so forth. Family is important in Ghana and having children is a beautiful thing and encouraged. Mothers carry their babies on their backs everywhere they go and they take them to work. Little and Big sisters care for those younger than them and you can really see community at work. I desire for my girls to know and live in community and understand that it takes a village to raise Kings, Queens and Warriors. I want them to receive wisdom and knowledge from their elders and cherish it. I want them to pass down the traditions of our heritage and legacy and build on it. I understand that I am not raising just daughters, but that I am raising African women of God who will be conscious of their African heritage and who will raise nations on their shoulders. I have an obligation to be ALL that God has called me to be and to raise up my husband to be the King God has called him to be and for my daughters to be who God has called them to be. I will not only Mother my own daughters but I will mother every child that God places in my path and I will speak to their potential. I will hold them accountable and teach them about who they are as Africans.

I left Ghana with an obligation. A heavy obligation that I am proud to receive and fulfill. My ancestors have already paved the way. God makes no mistakes. So Mothers go out and fulfill your calling to be a missionary. Fulfill the calling and purpose that God has given to you and know that Motherhood is connected to that calling.


Shalom

Annoying thing people say to Parents of Preemies

Since I have been the parent of a preemie life has been a bit different. My now toddler was born at 1 pound and 15 ounces  at 6 months gestation. That was quite a surprise but she pushed through and graduated from the NICU 4 months later. Despite her prematurity she continues to meet milestones and I am confident she will continue. Since my little girl is almost 2 years old I decided it was time for me to blog about some things along our journey. One of those things is annoying things people say to Parents of preemie babies! These things I am sure could also apply to parents of full term babies as well. I also have a four month old baby girl who was born full term and some of these apply to her also.

1. Your baby is soooo small!

2. You need to grow!

3. Your baby is older than mine and mine acts like the oldest.

4. You can't carry to full term? All the babies born in my family are big and full term.

5. Even full term moms are cautious with their first child.

6. Will your baby have any developmental disabilities?

7.  She couldn't wait to be born.

8. She looks good for being premature.

Being a Black Woman & the microaggreasions I deal with on a daily

Being a Black woman is one of the beautiful gifts I get to walk in everyday. As magical as it is to be a Black woman, I experience being marginalized quite frequently. Microaggressions are the casual degradation of marginalized individuals. Chester M. Pierce coined the term and describes microaggressions as "insults and dismissals he regularly witnessed non-Black Americans inflict on African Americans.  Some of the experiences I have had involving microaggressions have become more apparent now that I am a Mother. Though I have experienced them as a single woman as well. I remember going into a Panera Bread in Riverside and beginning to order my lunch. As I was ordering I asked the employee, " do you have any other sides, like an apple?" The employee then responded, " we dont have "like" apples, we have apples." I looked at him in calmed mannered disbelief, thought for a few seconds and decided to walk out. I felt very disrespected and knew that the employee probably would not talk to me like that if I was a white woman,man or looked older. I look young so people typically mistake me for younger than usual.  As a Mother I have had people ask me while I was with my newborn and toddler if I had more children. I simply asked about some library programs and she began to tell me that there was an aquarium coming. She said my toddler may be too young, then asked me if I had more kids. She did not follow that question with anything. People are constantly applying stereotypes and their experiences of various groups of people and project these microaggression onto the individual. One more incident of a micoaggression in my life is when I went walking one morning with my girls and stopped at a park. My girls and I were playing and I began talking with another mom. This mom was a white woman. She applauded me for getting out the house since having my newborn. Then she made a comment about them even being clean. I didnt really notice it at first but I later thought about what that statement really meant.

Microaggressions are everywhere in this Black Woman's life. How can we as Women of Color counteract microaggressions? I am practicing to funnel all those microaggressions and use this blog as an outlet and way to connect with other Black women who deal with the same bull**** on a daily. We don't have time to live under some white supremicist lense, that attempts to control us through oppression and  internalized suppression. Black women you are free!

The past three days I have been learning about fear. A word that has been stricken with negative connotations and positive affirmations against it. As I journeyed through teachings on fear i began to see how it infects and affects us. As I was driving to work Wednesday morning. I happened to see one a mother and her two children at the bus stop. I work at a childcare center and this family happended to be one of the families that attends my center. So as i drove by i thought, i should give them a ride to the center since its literally up the street and walking would take 20-30 minutes versus a 5-10 minute drive. Plus i work there and they see me everyday. So i went to the light made a left u-turn, went to the other light and made a left u-turn and drove to the bus stop. So of course I smile, say hi and begin to ask if they would like a ride to the kindercare. Interestingly enough, the mother politely declined and i gracefully said okay and the children waved and yelled out "goodbye Ms.Jasmine!!" I was stunned a bit by her response and began to ponder why would God have me ask and why would she say.no?! Who wouldnt want to forfeit the bus stop and take a 5 minute ride up the street to get your children to school? That same morning the children arrived at school and i didnt mention it at all to the kids as we all went on our day. That afternoon as the kids and i were playing outside, the oldest child came over to me and said, "my mom doesnt know you thats why she didnt take the ride." And i said, "okay thats okay." And she said "she only takes rides from those she knows." I continue to assure her with a smile that its okay and i understand. So i began to really ponder on every facet of this experience.
In relation to fear:
It was interesting to me that I work with her children every day but she still felt uneasy about accepting a 5 minute ride up the street. Then i begin to see thats what we do sometimes with God and what he desires to give us. You see this lady doesnt know if God had a word for her through me. She doesnt know that the ministry im part of focuses on changing generations one FAMILY at a time and that every child at my church will go to college. Or that we were having bible bootcamp and the children were given dinner,taught a lesson and played many games. It made me contemplate the blessings we forfeit because of Fear. The things God desires to give us but we politefully decline. We often times dont consider what a person had to experience to get to a point where they can freely give. Or maybe God is teaching them how to respond to Him. What blessings, connections,opportunities...have i forfeited due to fear?

Sabbath Margin: Making Room to Breathe

I have spent the last five Tuesday mornings going through a biblestudy written by Priscilla Shirer called Breathe. It has truly been a breath of fresh air. This study has alerted me to the importance of rest. It has also shown me the benefits of intentionally practicing the sabbath not just to prepare for worship, but to reflect and remember where God has brought you from. As I navigate the roads of Motherhood, breathing is often one thing I forget to do. Breathing during tantrums, diaper changes, spilled food and crying fits to name a few. Breathing during the ups and downs that came with being a wife and mother. When I forget or dismiss time for self care to breathe, relax and replenish myself then my perspective in life becomes distorted. My toddler who is just being a toddler could do something little, but since I havent took time to breathe I may become frustrated and irritable. Those feelings are unproductive and self serving. They dont benefit anyone but the self and those negative emotions really dont even benefit you. So how can we learn to breathe ourselves into self care?


First things first! We must breathe! It sounds simple because we do it daily, but taking intentional deep breaths daily will help to refocus how we are percieving our reality. God's word says, "Be still and know that I am God." It is imperative that we have moments of stillness where we can breathe, rest and replenish all of our being. Plus we have something greater intervening on our behalf.

Secondly, we must adopt a practice whether it be yoga, meditation, praying, journaling, exercising to name a few. Prayer and journaling helps to put things in perspective. Its a way to unload your mind and fill it with Gods possibilities and promises. Your mind creates matter. Everything begins in your mind so its important to manifest and meditate on positive thoughts. Your thoughts have the power to create your universe. So what are you thinking that is becoming or has become your reality? Journaling helps also for you to release negativity and it is also a great way of keeping track of how far you have come. This too shall pass. Adopting an exercise practice is necessary and will help you focus more on intentional breathing.

Thirdly, I would say to create a community of individuals who will support and love on you. This community can be other mothers, a therapist, friends, spouse or family members. Create your tribe and lean on them for support when needed. Dont believe the lies that no one cares, you will come off as weak, too afraid to share...because these lies will keep you isolated. Isolation keeps us bounded and imprisoned. Suffering in silence is not neccessary. Lean on your community. Lean on me.


And lastly I would say find a way you can serve others or help others who are experiencing what you experienced. Your experiences are not useless. Ask God to use everything you have experienced for His good.

Remember to breathe. Breathe life back into your body. Rest and Replenish. Self care is not optional but necessary. Continue to create your mamahood narrative. Love yourself. Forgive yourself and Move on to better & greater.

With Love,
Just a Mama journeying through Motherhood

It is...

It is not me that people love. 

It is not my poetry. 

It is not my dance. 

It is not my smile that can brighten anybody feeling down and less than worthwhile.  

Its an influence, a spirit blowing invisible like the wind that drives my soul.

Baby Blues

The journey into motherhood has been a whirlwind of many emotions and sentiments. It has been a blessing and miracle all in one. It has been terrifying and also exhausting. During my prenatal period with my second child the baby blues has hit me hard. I have a beautiful one year old daughter who was born prematurely due to me developing pre-eclampsia. That experience in itself was chaotic, but out of it came a strong willed, courageous, persistent and independent little girl. Now, my husband and I are on to baby number two and pretty soon after my first. That being said...emotionally I have been in a rut. In a rut trying to be a new wife, mother and also figure out who I am as this new and improved women. I can tell you that, wifehood and motherhood is nothing like how it gets depicted on television. There are women who suffer with mental and emotional battles. Women who are trying to hold down the home, when in reality it looks more like a war zone...

"According to the Centers for Disease Control, 11 to 20% of women who give birth each year have postpartum depression symptoms. If you settled on an average of 15% of four million live births in the US annually, this would mean approximately 600,000 women get PPD each year in the United States alone."

I do not recall ever being depressed before. I have had moments of sadness, doubts and worries but those feelings have never lasted long enough for me to think of it as depression. With this pregnancy and the end of my first pregnancy I think the baby blues has hit me. Adjusting to being a new wife and mother at the same time can be overwhelming. All the ideas and expectations I envisioned about being a wife and mother seem even more unattainable as I am actually experiencing it. I am learning to release my plans, expectations and ideas and allowing God to show me His will and His way. The process is slow and sometimes I just feel as if I cannot go on, but then there is always a glimpse of Hope that this too shall pass. Emotions and feelings are fleeting and change in an instant. As of now my journey to overcoming the baby blues is in the beginning stages. Just today I was crying out about how overwhelmed I am and how hard being a mother can be at times. I am fortunate to have a tribe of people who are willing and available to help me through this journey. However I am oftentimes quiet and keep my inner struggles to myself, but God did not create us to experience life on our own so I have to push past  my embarrassment, shame and guilt often to receive the help and hope that I need...my HOPE is that you will also embark upon your own journey to overcoming the baby blues and depression. You are not alone...

According to postpartumprogress "Only 15% of women with postpartum depression ever receive professional treatment. This means about 850,000 women each year are not getting the help they need."

Overdue

It has been too long since I have written anything. The waves of life have pushed and tossed me all around and sometimes I feel as if I have turned up on an unknown island. I have stepped into a new realm where the old me no longer exist but there is something new desiring to manifest. It is scary at times to see your life unfold following a blueprint you did not create. Ultimately I believe everything happens for a reason and all that occurs is a part of the process that must be undertaken so an individual can continue to be molded and refined. Writing is one of the gifts I have that allows me to release, imagine and discover. I stopped writing because I suppose I would have rather kept myself in the pain of my circumstances than giving myself a way out. It is silly what a human can do when life has took them for a loop. Im glad to be writing again and you also should do whatever it is that God has given you to release, imagine and discover. Never stop practicing your God given talents. You never know who is watching and who will need you to continue on as an example. If we were perfect we wouldnt need Jesus...

A Micro Preemie's Journey Into the World

A Birth Story...

The seed within me had taken root and began to sprout. At around 6 months of being pregnant I began having a terrible migraine for 3 days in a row. Knowing that something was not right I went into the doctors office a week before my scheduled appointment. We had discovered my blood pressure was higher than normal, but my migraine had gone away and my doctor prescribed my medicine. The following weak I felt much better, yet still exhausted from being pregnant. I was also sick during my whole pregnancy which consisted of nausea and daily vomiting, with little eating. I arrived for my routine and scheduled doctor appointment a week later and we discovered that my blood pressure was extreme higher than normal and after 3-4 readings of my blood pressure, my doctor told me to admit myself to hospital immediately. I was concerned but did not really have an idea of all that was about to unfold in the next 48 hours. I went to the hospital and waited in the waiting room almost two hours to be seen. Once I was seen I received more blood pressure checks and my levels continued to escalate. The attending physician immediately decided that what I was experiencing could be deadly and was called severe toxemia or pre-eclampsia. This occurs in women who are pregnant and their blood pressures spike dramatically, Pregnant women usually get this closer to their due dates, yet for me only being 24 weeks (6 months) it was very odd. I was terrified once the doctor told me that I would have to deliver the baby. I attempted to hold in my terror and tears until I called my Spiritual-Mother and the ocean of tears, sadness, disappointment, terror flooded what felt like every inch of my body and I could hardly talk. The attending physician decided that I would be transported to UCI Medical Center since it is #1 in dealing with high risk births and premature infants. This was a HUGE blessing and the best hospital for me to deliver my love seed at. My husband, spiritual mother and bug sister from church rushed down to see me. I remember seeing there faces and feeling a blanket of comfort and peace wrap me up, The ambulence from UCI Medical Center made it to me and we prayed before I headed off to my next destination. The medicine they gave me left me feeling extremely nauseous, hot and had me vomiting quite a bit. The two nurses that assisted me on the ambulance ride were like two angels, They made me feel safe and comfortable and were very sweet. We made it to the hospital and my husband tailed the ambulance the entire way there. We were taken to the maternity area and my nurses informed me on the medications I was given to try and reduce my blood pressure. My blood pressure was checked every hour and I couldnt eat anything because the medicine caused me to be nauseous and hot so food wouldnt go down well. I did get to eat ice though. My husband (fiance at the time) is my super hero! He was with me the whole time I was there and didnt leave my sight except to eat and use the restroom, lol. This was a time of trouble and terror and he remained calm which kept me calm and hopeful through it all. It was like the time Jesus and his boys were in the boat and the storm came. Jesus is sleeping and the rest of them are going crazy and Jesus wakes up like why ya;ll trippin' Lol! My husband exemplified the characteristics of Jesus and I know that God was proud of him as my husband supported me through with the help of Jesus, in the midst of the unknown. Thought in my  mind were tripping over one another as I thought of delivering a baby at 6 months...would she survive? Would I survive surgery? What was God trying to tell me? There were so many questions and thoughts and this experience was so unknown I had no blueprint for what to expect.The next day we were told that I would be on bedrest until I deliver, This was upsetting news being that I was in the middle of Fall Quarter and I did not want to drop any of my classes! I know, who worries about school at a time like this? I do! Lol! Yet if I had to be on bedrest then so be it! I would email my Professors and work something out. So it was comforting knowing that I would be on bedrest in the hospital but not so comforting living in a hospital the next 3 months, but I was willing to do whatever it would take for my Love Seed. So the end of day 2 went okay but my blood pressure was still the same. The doctors decided the next morning to do an ultrasound and look at the baby and check her growth and how she is doing. They discovered that there was blockage in the umbilical cord and that she had not been receiving all her nutrients so she was on the smaller side for a six month old baby and that it would be best to deliver her sooner than later. They went over with us all the developmental risks that could arise and it all become overwhelming and tears began to flow. The doctors were very tactful and encouraged me to cry if needed. Sunday came and we still were in the waiting game. Doctors hadnt finalized anything so we figured that I would continue to remain on bedrest. Then we get word late afternoon that a cesarean section would be performed in the next hour on me. What?! Oh my God! Okay! Everything will be okay, right? Im scared but whatever happens God you'll take care of my husband and the baby, right? These are thoughts that I am thinking but we continue to remain hopeful as our trust is in the Lord. I knew my church  (Immanuel Praise Fellowship) was praying for me!! I trusted and believed and God allowed a prayer warrior angel to call me before the c-section and she said, "Say to yourself, "I will live and my baby will live!" And that is what I did. At 15:22 on October 11, 2015, a love seed was born at 1 pound and 3 ounces and came out of me with a Spontaneous cry!!

 Wow! God is good! This little half-baked bundle of love came out praising God! So our Love Seed was here and immediately rushed to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Where she was cared for by the BEST Doctors, Nurses, Respiratory Therapist, Physical/Occupational Therapist, Social Worker and Staff!! The NICU journey is for another blog, but our little girl made it and came roaring into this world!! Her name is Makeda Brielle, pronounced Mah-Kay-Dah. Her name is inspired by the African Queen of Sheba and means Greatness! In Hebrew her name means high tower, Brielle means "God is your strength." Our Love Seed is destined and purposed for Greatness. God is intentional and She is intentional.

Unfinished Business | Initiate |

This journey has been different. My experiences in how I have struggled and persevered has been pretty great. I am in this moment where everything is new and unfamiliar. It is an uncomfortable stage and position to be in and yet I know that even in the midst of this I will overcome. It seems like I was born to overcome and not because of me or on my own account but possibly for a greater purpose then just me. All my life I have always tried to be right and to be better. I have tried to live a life to prove that I am not just small, that I am not just a black girl, that I am more. Childhood in its intricacies and complexities has configured me with an interconnected woven like material of self doubt, strength, heartache, endurance, love, as well as so many other fine components. Childhood is why I long to be better than my past and prove to myself and my family, the world, others that I as a Black woman can do great things, persevere and redefine myself. Though this sounds great, reality as I perceive it, dictates how I actually begin to realize my life. My notion of my past, how I perceive it gets in the way of my "now," my present and how details of my life are realized. It seems simple to just let go of your past and the parts that cause you pain, but maybe instead of letting go, one must face it, head on. When you distant yourself from your pains, traumas, tragedies....they seem small and easy to accept and understand, but distance blurs perception. When you face your pains, traumas and tragedies you see/visualize and perceive them with every painful, gratifying, transformational emotion that you can and in the mist of those most beautiful yet terrifying feelings, emotions and memories you become the Giant over your unfinished business. Unfinished business is something a person needs to work on or deal with: something that has not been done, dealt with or completed. In order to have a holistic life I think we have to experience love, pain, joy, tragedy, success, failure, etc. If we do not know sadness, how then will we know what happiness is, feels like and embodies. It is easy to write about but not so easy to initiate. Yet, I believe writing is a form of initiation. My writing is a catalyst in my transformation and how I will continue to perceive reality. It is time to open the box of unfinished business and initiate my process to healing and a holistic life. Only you can be the initiator in the process of your own healing.

Your Silence Will Not Protect You, It Will Not Save You.

Majority of my life I have exercised silence. Ever since I can remember I have been more of an observer than a talker. I have learned to be silent and have been told to be silent. Silence has come over me in voluntary ways and some in, involuntary ways. Writing has been my silent language and for so long I have exercised and practiced it well. My silence and writing have been good to me and helped me through unpleasant experiences. Silence has allowed me to observe and interpret and more often than not overthink whats been poured in. Silence can reap benefits, but at the same instance silence can kill. There will come a season where one will become so full with experience that the silence within will need to be heard and the uncomfortabilities of the soul will need to be stirred. I am not saying that people should talk to just be talking. Your story will be meaningless if  it does not meet the ears of a person who is in the motion of seeking a story with the abilities to free & enlighten. Audre Lorde said, "Your silence will not protect you, it will not save you," so imagine if you could open the doors to heaven with your words. Silence is a beautiful gift...but there will come a time when the wisdom, experience, hardships, success, joys you have acquired will need to help someone else live inspired. My Silence...spoken in Love is to come soon.

Written in Love,
J.N Clark

Prolgue to Love

Life in its very essence has been a road of ashes transformed into a road of beauty & transformation.  I've learned how to love & accept love on a level I've never experienced before.  I've seen how past experiences prepared me for what I encountered in 2015. I witnessed God's power & strength in situations I've never imagined being in. All in all God has shown me the constancy in His love. I've realized the power in the gifts He has given me. I see the threat to evil when my gifts are operated. I've seen new life birthed and seen death take its course. Ive got to bear witness to the fruit of seeds I've planted and prayers that I've prayed. Im still on the road and as the ashes fall away, God's beauty beams through. My story as it is written will be written in LOVE. More to come...

In Love,
J.N Clark

Writing My Story in Love

New Blogs Coming Soon January 2016....
    Life has not been so perfect, but despite the obstacles and shortcomings on my part God is still constant. His constant Love has produced a perfection within my soul that can only be activated when I live according to His will. I will write on my Canvas how God transformed my ashes into beauty. No the story is not perfect based on how the world defines perfection, but it is perfection because God painted my story and is still producing beautiful masterpieces of the chapters to come in my life.
See you in 2016!

12.5.14

I discovered that a year ago today I wrote a letter to myself in my poetry journal. How awesome is this! I truly forgot the date in which I began writing in my poetry book. Today I was looking it over and I gained so much inspiration from it and as I was finishing up, so I decided to read the first page. This is where I wrote the note to myself. God led me here. Wow! I am so not worthy but I thank God that even though I don't find myself worthy, God still does! My letter says:

12-5-13

Dear Jasmine Nicole,

Always be true to who you are. Write without disclaimers, speak without boundaries, teach without compromise. You are the Maya Angelou of your day, the Sojourner Truth, Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Winnie Mandela and an ambassador for all the Sisters who paved a way so that you could simply be you! Always allow God to lead you! I love you so much. God loves you even more. Be strong, resilient, BOLD, confidence, fierce, loving and always striving to live like Jesus Christ.

Dr. Jasmine Nicole

P.S It was in you all along.

I am in awe of God and how he lead me to Speak Life into myself. Wow! I want to encourage you Sisters to write a letter to yourself for next year and begin to Speak & Write those things into your very being. Allow God to lead the pen/pencil as He writes a letter to His Daughter. He loves us despite our hearts good, bad, ugly...whatever the case may be. He loves You! Jesus Loves You! I am attending UCR and this Quarter has challenged me so and God showed me that I cannot take the last level tactics into this level. That I have to learn new tactics and ways of adjusting to this new journey. The last level tactics prepared the foundation for this new level but I have to continue to learn new ways of doing things. I love school but have been struggling with keeping up with readings and found myself becoming overwhelmed and self medicating with food, friends and wasting time instead of laying at the feet of Jesus and allowing Him to fill me up. I know I will successfully complete my first quarter at my University and I grateful for the reminder and encouragement. Yes it is challenging but God has graced me for this level...You will make it through Sister...

Entry, Clearance, Withers, Questions...

Mark chapter 11 verses 1-33

• ·         All that made up their identity (Sanhedrin;chief priest) was being stripped and torn down
• ·         The things they did that were wrong validated them
• ·         People bondage ( fear of people and what they are going to say)
• ·         They had a man-made authority not a God willed authority
• ·         They were powerless and they recognized that
• ·         Jesus expressed his anger toward their wrong action but loved them enough to teach them through their wrongs and from a place of authority and dominion and power
• ·         Jesus didn’t teach from His self (flesh) but from God
• ·         Jesus cannot do anything with I don’t know v.33 (reminds me of your either hot or cold, but lukewarm then he will spit you out and also anything other than a Yes is a No to God!)

This text is quite powerful. We see Jesus operating in his dominion, power and authority and the people responding to it. The chief priests are fearful and doubtful of Jesus which is symbolic for their very belief in God. Of all people, it should have been the chief priest who recognized Jesus as the messiah. Yet it shows that they were in people bondage (fear of what others will say about them). The held themselves up to this superior level and wanted the validation that came from it. I think we must be careful to keep God in the midst of everything we do, because no matter how far God elevates us, we must remember that it’s not us that did But God! And we cannot live out our God given purposes without Jesus! We can attempt and obtain temporary things and facades but deep inside their will be no sustenance. Jesus is such an awesome teacher. He had a way with the people that was amazing. He commanded their attention in a non-abusive manner. He talks with God as He was God. He understood who He was and the God he is connected to which allowed Him the favor, grace, compassion, love and authority that he taught with. The symbolism within the text is quite beautiful. The fig tree withering as a symbol of the Sanhedrin courts in Bethpage about to wither and be replaced with a heavenly kingdom is amazing. The fact that Adam and Eve ate from a fig tree as they ushered in sin and Jesus cursing the fig tree as symbolism of an End to come of sin is awesome.

The disciples were obedient to God. They trusted what he told them and when they did as He told them; it worked out in their favor. If they didn’t follow His instructions then they wouldn’t have obtained the colt and something disastrous could have happened in the midst of them obtaining the colt.  Obedience is better than sacrifice. Jesus speaks on the prophetic and speaking and operating in the prophetic. In verses 22-26 He tells the disciples to have faith and that which they speak in prayer shall be given unto them only if they believe. Sounds like Jesus is setting them up for something bigger to come. A test, trial, challenge, tribulations…perhaps. Jesus is so good that He instructs us as we go along. He corrects us firmly in love and then teaches us the why, how, what, when, where…and he is a gentle and loving God. He doesn’t impose, force his self on any of us but gives us the choice to choose Him. Jesus is so awesome. His love is everything!

I really need to study Jesus more so I can become a great teacher as He was and is today. His ability to command the attention of the audience and meet a ton of people where there at while giving one message is wonderful.

I know Jesus cleared the temple out so good! I could only imagine how angry he was but how justified he was at clearing the temple and knocking over tables and such. I wonder how this clearing of Gods temple is symbolic to clearing out of our own bodily temples that God gave us. When we ask God to clean us out and purify us, is this how He desires to do it? Maybe Jesus desires to come to our temples and do check up and see what is righteous in us and what is working against God in us and then when He spots it, he knocks over our pride, greed, lust, lying, etc., and not allows anyone to carry merchandise (pride, anger , bitterness, idols, etc.) through our temples. Then he teaches us and if we allow Him to teach us after the purifying process then we can be restored. So He cleans us out and then He pours into us his teachings straight from the thrones of heaven. God is so good.

So it is not enough to ask God to purify us and clean us out…we have to be willing to be still after that process and allow Him to teach us the ways of his heavenly Father, our Heavenly Father.

Read Mark 11.

Questions to Consider:

Who are you?

What is your identity embedded in?

What are you operating in?

 Why is it better to be obedient than to sacrifice?

What other symbolism can you draw out this text?

Prayer:

Dear heavenly Father,

We thank you Lord for who you are. We love you and honor you. We thank you for being the beginning and the end. We thank you for being our God, our Savior, our Healer, our Deliverer, our Restoration, our Reconciliation, the Lover of our Soul...we thank you Lord. We come asking for you forgiveness Lord for those things we have done that were not pleasing to you. The things we have done intentional and unintentional Lord, we ask your forgiveness for. We ask Lord that you waste nothing! We pray you use all our good and our bad for your Glory Lord! We thank you for your Forgiveness. For your Grace and your Mercy! Thank you for your unfailing love. We thank you Lord! We pray that you clean out our temples. that you remove, tear down, turn over, extract ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that is not like you in the NAME OF JESUS!!! We thank you Lord! And pour into us your teachings, your word and fill our temples with your anointing. We thank you Lord. We thank you Jesus! We love you Jesus! We seal this prayer in the Blood of Jesus! In Jesus Mighty Name We Pray, AMEN! AMEN!AMEN! 

#MARK11#JESUS#BOOKOFMARK#FAITH#BELIEVE#NOFEAR#NEWLEVEL#JESUSFREAK#JESUSLOVER#BIBLESTUDY

Soul Cries

It makes me sad the amount of injustices that have been done to us Black people. When we revolt and fight for what we believe in then we are the ones left looking as if we are acting like savages. When will a time come where our voices will be heard, our murdered children, black men and women will be given justice for the brutal acts committed against us. We live in a society that fears us. We cannot walk into a store without being targeted as a possible shoplifter. Just based on our appearances  we are deemed  ghetto, loose, poor, gang member, criminal, prostitute and the list goes on. Our sexuality has been ravished and murdered and given back to us as something disgusting. I am tired of feeling like we are fighting a fight that can never be won. When will our voices be heard. When will our people rise up and become CONSCIOUS of our heritage. When will JUSTICE prevail for beautiful black life. We live in a society not built to protect us or honor our heritage, so when will we stop conforming to a world that works to desensitize us to who we really are. Black Life does Matter. All life matters so lets do our best to become conscious and realize the possibilities that lies within us to create change. 

Being an ethnic studies student has really shown me how much colonialism has damaged many cultures. As we go into Thanksgiving and the reasons it is celebrated in America, really saddens me. Native people experienced tremendous amounts of cruelty and to celebrate Columbus discovering the "New World" is to celebrate GENOCIDE.  I wrote a poem in response to some of the history I have learned about Native American culture. Lets become conscious. Educate ourselves and our children. We must unify and rise up as the tribal people that we innately are. 

Poem 11/2014

Genocide. the deliberate and systematic extermination of a national, racial, political, or cultural group.

The extinction of a people

Based on trees, cut down and formed into paper

Dyed green so it became more valuable than the life of a human being

If you cut I bleed

If you cut we bleed

So what makes your white skin better than my brown and black sisters and brothers

Who died because of your curiousity

You sailed on ships to explore and discover a world that existed before

Columbus even thought to sail the sea

First contact meant the end to civility and the start of

savages conquering what did not belong to them

Contact.  A condition in which two or more individuals or groups are placed in communication with each other.

If that’s the case

First contact lacked its tact

a keen sense of what to say or do to avoid giving offense; skill in dealing with difficult or delicate situations.

Con

Because my European counterparts

They identified more with the con in contact

Thanks for the gifts you brought over to thee

Your diseases wrapped in pretty boxes of bubonic plague

Helped to devastate the lives indigenous people

Not immune to such terrible things

The land on which we live today

Was obtained based on the blood and tears

Of aboriginees

say yes

Life has been so amazing. I have had many obstacles, pitfalls, stumbling blocks, negative thoughts and I have just been battling it seems. But God is so amazing. I just have to spend time thanking God for all He has done for me, despite me! Despite my lack of response to His beckoning. Despite my ignoring Him or doing my will. I thank God that He loves me. I thank God that He blesses my Obediance and corrects my disobediance! I thank God that He loves me for me! It is so easy to get caught up in the struggles of life, without taking a step back and seeing the many victories that the Lord has blessed you with. I am so glad that I know Jesus and that He died for me. Wow! Jesus died for my mess. I just think sometimes how unworthy I am. But God loves me so much that He sent His Son to die for me and You! That act of love is unfathomable and I thank God that He acts upon my life daily. He wakes me up, opens doors, Closes doors, protects me, provides for, blesses me, fills me, releases me from things not of Him, stores up my wealthy place, heals me, delivers me...Yes! Thank you God! Im sitting here in my living room finishing up homework and i looked at my bank account because today is payday. As I checked my account I was sadly surprised at the lack of numbers and that some money had already been taking out and I was left with very little. I instantly thought of the devour and how he comes to steal, kill, rob and destroy. It made me sad because this area of my life has not been giving completely over to God and im affected by it, but that person I was supposed to bless is now affected and it saddens my heart. Then God put in my heart, Say Yes...so I began to listen to say Yes by Shekinah Glory and it started to minister  me. I begin to allow the song to stir my spirit and God is telling me that there are areas in my life that must be turned loose unto Him that I can no longer render my will over these areas because there dry. God wants so much more FOR me and FROM me, but th elonger I hold on the longer I will be dry in these places. God is desiring for you to say yes. Every part of your being, soul, emotions, your body...He wants it all!! We are a Work in progress. Remember that God is a God of Action. He is acting in your life, but every time you try and be the director you are saying CUT! And God is not a forceful God. He wants you to choose Him. He wants your love wholeheartedly just like He gave us when He sent His son. God wants my Yes! He loves me so much! The Amazing thing about God is that He is always there waiting. He stores up the blessings you lost out on, so when you return and allow Him to direct your life, at the end of the episode, the scene or the movie he will be there ready and willing to bless you with all those things. Everything you thought you lost will be replaced and given unto you better than you could have conceived yourself. Yes my bank account may look low but God!! Yes you may be struggling in school, but God!! Yes you are hurting, but God! Someone wise said, 

When you determine sin [you fill in blank] no longer benefits you it will cease ( Pastor LaQuetta Simmons)." 

So is it SIN, UNFORGIVENESS,PAIN, BITTERNESS, LUST, SEX, LYING, SLOTHFULNESS,ARROGANCE, PRIDE, HATE, ANGER, INSECURITY, LONLINESS, ISOLATION, FEAR, POVERTY....

What is your blank? Jesus loves us so much. Be encouarged on today! Just say Yes to God! I declare and decree that on today we will Say Yes to our Father, Our Daddy, Our God, Our Savior!!! 

If you have to get on your knees and cry out to our God, write a forgiveness letter, apologize to someone, call someone right now and tell them you love them, give to that person God told you to bless, help that person you dont like, Pray for the one you hate until your hurt turns to love for them, declare who He is to you....Say Yes to God. Then be STILL so that you can hear His sweet voice and feel His Spirit overcome you....Do what He requires of you! Let Him direct your life! Yes Jesus! If all you can say is Jesus! Then say Jesus!Jesus!Jesus! Yes let that be your prayer.

Listen and Meditate on this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czbWefFnmqE 

Yes Father we submit to you. We surrender all unto you Lord. You are good. You are mighty and strong.You are excellent. You are wonderful. You are loving. You are the alpha and omega. We thank you Lord. We love you Jesus!

God's Servant,

Jasmine Nicole

#Life without God sucks

Wow...what a week weekend it has been! God has been speaking to me left and right in the midst of the battles. God released a word in my life and it makes me marvel even more about God. He didn't have to send this person to me that i don't even know to share with me things God knew i needed to hear. But God!!!  So that happened Friday night and at the event God spoke through the discussion and really showed me how i have been wavering in my decision making concerning His will for my life in soe areas. God will call you out when needed, thats how much he loves us. He will use a willing vessel and im glad he did on friday night. So in the midst of whatever season your in God is with you. If you stop,look and listen you will see,feel and hear him.  Stay connected. Tell yourself you wont go back. Learn your patterns. When i waver in my intimate time with Jesus I begin to start tripping.  Attitudes pop up, emotions begin to dictate my actions, confusion parks itself in my mind, my will becomes more important than Gods....its a bad cycle. So im just reminded that i must stop doing me and focus on him. #Life without God sucks.

Be blessed,
Jasmine Nicole

Surrender

What does it mean to surrender to God?  Im at at point in my journey where all I truly want is God, but its hard! Sometimes it feels like my obediance to God causes me more pain  than it should. Then I start to think back on where my best thinking got me. I start to think how I chose bad relationships that could have taken me out. I start to think about how my searching for love in the wrong places could have killed me. I start to think about how my plans could have completely distorted Gods plans for my life. Then I become grateful because God has ALWAYS been there. He has always loved me despite me. I believe that this season of my life God has been showing me his agape love. A love that cannot compare to any other. Sometimes I get tired of the seasons of suffering but im glad because God is taking me higher, instilling more wisdom, building my testimony, sharpening my spiritual skills, producing a harvest to be reaped greater than I can imagine. The awesome thing is that your pain, my pain, our pain is not in vain. Its for purpose. We are pained for Gods Purpose. Our hurts, setbacks, failures, falls, shortcomings, weaknesses will always be used by Him for His Glory! So surrender! Surrender your heart, your pain, your self sabotaging thinking. Surrender and withhold nothing. We think that by holding onto it, it makes us stronger to defeat what were holding onto, but in reality its just an illusion it makes us weaker and gives God the inability to work on our behalf. Cornelius Lindsey of the Gathering Oasis Church in Atlanta said in his sermon that letting go looks like this in my recollection: he said that its like we are holding on to a cliff with our bare hands and our friends,even some of your church friends may be up there, money, all our desires are on top of this cliff and there saying to come on, climb up, you can have everything you want. Its all here, this is the life. Then below is a voice saying let go, trust me and beneath all you can see is clouds. And your in between both sides wondering what to do and you want to let go but your afraid and you dont know where you will land but there is a voice saying trust me. Then you let one hand go and your still holding on. Your afraid and you keep looking down and all you see is clouds and then finally you let go and trust that voice. And as you begin to fall you look up and the things you thought that were important appear to be just an illusion. It wasnt even real and your falling and falling and then you fall through those clouds that you saw way up as you were holding on to the cliff and suddenly....you land on solid ground. Wow! And then you see that nothing at the top of that cliff was real. It was an illusion!! Wow! That is what its like when we are about to surrender to God. That is what its like when I had to surrender everything to God. I had to give God my unforgiveness, my pain from being a broken lonely girl who felt alone. I had to surrender my father who couldnt be a father to me, my mother who couldnt love me because she didnt have the capacity to love me, my self sabotaging behaviors, my low self esteem, my low self concept, my pain, my hurt....I had to surrender to God so that these things and more could be released and detached from my life! (hallelujah) God is so loving. He loves me so much and you. Allow His love to mature in you. Allow His love to germinate the roots of your heart. Let Him in. I am not perfect. Ive been through crap caused by my on way and trials caused by satan but GOD!! I say Yes to God. To His love.  Im not always the easiest person to love. But God loves me despite and past my pain and defenses.  What helps me to enter into the presence of God in my intimate time with the Lord is to worship to Witholding Nothing a worship song. Meditate on this and allow Gods love to exude all of you. His Love is for real and like no other. It's not easy but life with God is so much better than without Him.

XoXo,



Witholding Nothing- William McDonald


I surrender all to you
Everything I give to you
withholding nothing
withholding nothing

withholding nothing
withholding nothing

withholding nothing
withholding nothing

withholding nothing
withholding nothing

Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near.

Isaiah 55:6 NIV

Past Due

It has been thirty days past due since I have written an excerpt in my blog. I have had many whirlwind of experiences. God has been so good to me. He is so faithful despite the depths of my heart. I am in a lifetime season of trusting in Him. I thank God for the lessons I have learned and are learning. The beautiful thing about the process are the little ways God says, I see you daughter. The way he reminds you how much he loves you and that He is with you. Today a man at the school I work at said to me..."You have a nice smile. Every time I see you your smiling. Your going to go far."  Wow! I thank my father in heaven because I know that was Him reminding me of my purpose and my calling and what He created me for. How sweet is His spirit. How beautiful is His name name. Jesus you are worthy! Im in Starbucks right now listening to Oceans by hillsong and just worshiping my Savior. He is so good ya'll! So this past month has been crazy amazing and challenging. I am preparing to enter into school to obtain my bachelors degree. I had been courting/dating someone very special and recently decided to put a hold on our courtship. I have been diligent in becoming a whole woman of God and being obediant. So as joyful as this season has been, it has also been challenging. God reminded as soon as I checked my facebook that,"What God has for me is for me." That was complete confirmation and he reminded me to stop stressing and worrying and to trust Him completely!! Who knows me better and what I need better than my Savior who created me. WHo knew me before I was in the womb. The creator of all things! I am so blessed because I have been hearing God so much in this season. He has been pruning, tearing down, UPROOTING, pouring in, filling up places in me and Im grateful. God also reminded me of who I am. He said daughter what did I name you? Jasmine Nicole! Jasmine means Gift from God and Nicole means victory of the people; Victiorious....will he not do what he called and purposed me to do?! Wow...im just remaining in position. Thank you Lord for your peace. I trust you. I love you. Glad to be on this life journey with my Lord and Savior!


Flowing from my heart,
Jasmine Nicole

Power of Potential: Beginnings...

I believe that everyone has the potential to be anything they want to be. I believe they have the potential to shift their nature, attitude, ideas and thinking that does not add to their life. Growing up in a dysfunctional environment has really pushed me to further study this theory more and give hope to the hopeless and power to the powerless. Nature vs. Nurture is an important aspect to my point. Nature is what a person is biologically predisposed to and Nurture are those environmental factors such as experiences that shape us.  I believe that an individual who may be genetically predisposed to being an alcoholic, drug addict, abuser, obese has the potential to shift those dispositions and change their lives for the better. I also believe that an individual who has experienced  any type of abuse as a child, any trauma or any dysfunctional experiences that shaped them to grow up having various mental issues  can shift that. 

I grew up in dysfunction myself. What I see in my own family is the passing down of legacies of dysfunction. Instead of building wealth and passing down wealth transfers, strong values and morals and a legacy of worth; I see brokenness, poverty, abuse, ignorance being passed down. My grandmother could only raise my sister and I with what she had to give.  My mother and father did not possess the capabilities to raise me with strong values because they did not posses them themselves. My mother suffered from abandonment issues, trauma,  loss identity, brokenness, no self worth  and someone as herself couldn’t give two daughters what they needed to thrive and be successful. My father was a mama’s boy,  and just as my mother he also dealt with abandonment issues, no sense of identity or self worth, alcoholism, drugs, trauma and brokenness. As much as I tried to believe that I was different and would never be like them…I would soon come to learn that the damage had already been done.

“Some things in life just aren’t fair. But it’s up to you to decide if you are going to do something about it or succumb to what has already been done. The awesome thing about being a participator in your damage is seeing how God can turn your darkest moments into His greatest victories that will in turn help countless amounts of people.”  I always call my childhood or relate to it as the Cinderella Story. As much as I love, respect and appreciate my grandmother, she sure put it on me in my youth. I do have to admit I was a bit of a firecracker. I remember when my grandmother obtained full custody of my sister and I. We began living with her and slept in the same room as her. I loved my grandmother to death! I remember always hugging her, giving her kisses before going to sleep and praying for her. My grandmother was my everything and I felt loved. But as I begin to grow up I began to notice a difference in how my sister and I were treated.  I grew up feeling not good enough, and always trying to make others happy. I would always call myself a servant and hated it! I hated that my grandmother always made me clean her room, wash the clothes, get her things from her purse, clean her closet and the list goes on. While my sister had it so easy. I would get slapped and spanked for doing things wrong that didn’t require that type of discipline. One school year my grandma bought my sister new clothes and shoes and said there wasn’t enough money for me to get new things so I just got one pair of shoes. As a child my mind told me that I wasn’t good enough and loved enough to receive what my sister received. My sister got her permit and license and I wasn’t able to when I came of age. I was so angry and as I grew up the anger, resentment, hatred began to grow with me. I literally hated my grandma. Yes, I said hate. I know that may be shocking but I felt like no one loved me. I guess my two bestfriends were anger and hate. So I tried to behave in ways that would make my grandma happy. Though it didn’t always work because the anger caused me to act out in ways that she didn’t like, so I got into even more trouble. I remember writing a note to a boy in 1^st grade saying do you want to kiss me. I got in so much trouble and my grandmother threatened to send me to an all girl’s school. But even at a young age as 6, I was looking for love and attention. I’m  surprised we had branches left on our tree from all the whoopings  I received. My family was very critical and constantly  made fun of my African features, my behind. I am happy to say that today I embrace my African culture on my backside!  Why did I have to be treated so different? I always felt like I was different and the odd one out in my family. When family would come over I would stay in the family room for a litte bit then make my way to my bedroom. I enjoyed being alone and hated it at the same time. I felt like I could relate to no one.  I remember praying as a child because I would feel so much pain and lonliness. I was suicidal and literally had a way in how I would go about killing myself. The best thing my grandmother gave me was taking me to church so that I can know Jesus. If it wasn’t for Jesus I would be dead. I would not be here writing this book to help countless others who need to Ignite their lives to Movement. The one thing I held onto as a child was that if you commit suicide you go to hell and it may not be true to some but it was the one thing that saved my life and God used it to save mine. Being introduced to Jesus was my nurture. It was a pertinent factor in my environment that helped me to shift from killing myself. Even though I didn’t have any self worth, I had a little bit of some worth that caused me to hold onto Jesus. So I prayed and asked God why all the time, did I have to be treated the way I did. At about the age of maybe 8 or 9 my father molested my sisters friend while she was spending the night at our house. This news was devastating, embarrassing, traumatizing and I would later learn would shift my thinking and my perception of men. I think the worst part about it besides this child being violated was that my family NEVER talked about it. No one ever sat my sister and us down, we never went to therapy or counseling to discuss what happened and help us to articulate our concerns and fears. When he was released from prison and moved back home I hated it. I had no respect for him, didn’t listen to him, I thought he should go to hell and I thought it was okay for people who commit a crime such as that to deserve to go to hell. So my mindset was completely in turmoil. I say that because my mindset and perceptions determined my actions, my reactions and how I handled situations and people. I am forever grateful to God because I could be lost right now. My experiences could have taken me out! But God! But God! But God stepped in and I said Yes! It took me until the age of 22 to really give my life to Christ. So the damage like I said before had been done way back when before I was born.

“It takes a lot to face your damage because it hurts.” As I sit here writing this book my heart is broken and it hurts to have to relive this pain over again. I sure thought because I am saved now that all the pain and trauma would somehow magically vanish. But I have come to realize that it is a process to being born again. Just as an embryo develops into a fetus and a fetus into a baby, I had to be developed and remolded again; but this time in Christ.  Jesus has to strip the layers of damage that has built itself up on us so He can get to the root of our pain. The beautiful thing is that when Jesus gets to the root…He can transform. He can shift. He can change. He can renew. He can make new.  Even though I am grown women today, I have little girl tendencies. As I write this back I am literally battling for my life, for that other woman, for that man, for that child’s life that I have been called to change.  My life depends on writing this book and yours does too because your reading it. I came across a quote that said “vulnerability is courageous,” and if that is the case then on this day I choose vulnerability. I release myself to be courageous. I release myself to relive my pain so that someone else’s life can be saved. This is the point where the litte girl inside of me will die so I can live as the warrior woman God created me to be. I choose to die so that I can live. This is my Rites of Passage.

Enable to live, unable to die.

What weighs you down can keep you stuck.

Keep Pressing

Im starting to come into the realization that I really cannot live this life without Christ. Sometimes I feel as though because I have been saved and baptized and I serve in the church, that I should have certain things overcome. But its not always that simple. This is my journey. This is my process and I trust the process. It might be ugly. I may stumble and fall, but I refuse to stay down. Im tired of allowing the devil to punk me. After all he has to get permission to come up against me. So he is just working in the favor of the Lord to help strengthen me. I keep hearing that I need to hate satan as much as he hates me. That I need to get angry with him because its time to move and Im tired of doing things my way and battling in the flesh. Jesus did not die so that I could keep sacrificing myself. I just want to overcome the barriers that try and keep me stagnant and not just because of me but because I have people watching me that need me to overcome and make it to the other side! I believe that we can and will overcome! That us overcoming our flesh, lust, pride, anger and whatever your issue is will accomplished and God will transform it to work for His good! Yes the process hurts, it causes us to take the scales off our eyes, to confront the past and to face ourselves. But when you come to yourself nd the process is complete. I can only imagine the freedom that will come and will be walked in when the process is complete.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-7

Spiritual Warfare

The weapons we fight with are not weapons  of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obediant to Christ. And we will be ready to punish every thought to make it obediant to Christ.
 2 Corinthians 10:4-6

It's never personal, it is always spiritual. Tell the devil "I cant hear you!" and keep it pushing toward Christ!! Have a God-tastic day!

Peace,
Jasmine Nicole

Heart Flow...

Challenging.Liberating.Molding. These three words help to paint a picture of my faith journey because what I have been through, good or bad, has helped me to understand life and my faith more clearly. I have learned that I am always evolving, growing and learning. That no matter what point I get to, there is always another greater level that I must reach and attain. Not for my benefit, but for the benefit of others. Every time I rise, someone rises with me and also vice versa. If I choose not to rise then someone falls with me. So I desire to live and lead a life of rising and in constant elevation. Significant moments: Grandmother passing away, running a 26.2 mile marathon, unexpectedly publishing a poem,  being declined acceptance to Universities, raising $2400 for LLS, family falling apart, working, volunteering, serving, giving, dealing with past pain/hurt and discovering who I am and whose I am in my Faith...this has all led me to this day. It is Thursday, May 1, 2014 and 5:35am and here I am desiring to serve in a capacity that have yet to serve in. These moments brought challenge, pain and tears. These moments freed me in my faith and helped me to take my eyes off of me and focus them on Jesus. These moments hurt and made me feel uncomfortable because there was some work that had to be done. These are the moments and there are more that have helped to see that my Faith is bigger than me. That there is a big world crying out for my experiences. There is a young woman who needs to know that yes you have been abandoned and hurt, but because I did the work and persevered, so can you. There are tears of a hurting nation that my shoulders are waiting to catch. There are voids within hearts that my love is ready to flow into. It is not easy but its worth it. That person's life is so worth it.  I have been fortunate enough to be surrounding and placed amongst Sheros. A shero is a woman who has impacted her community in tremendous ways. One of the Sheros in my life is my Pastor, LaQuetta Bush-Simmons. She is truly the essence and being of a Proverbs 31 woman. She loved me through every struggle, hurt and pain that was keeping me from fully operating in my full potential. She saw in me what I could not even see or imagine in myself. The beautiful thing about her is that she doesn't discriminate, what she does for one she will do for others. She is the giant in which shoulders I stand on. If she didn't accept her calling and trust God then what would have happened to me or the hundreds, thousands of others she has and will help. Her life is a testament in itself and a reminder that this life is not about me. That sometimes you have to lay your life on the line for others. That sometimes you have to love even when you don't feel like it. That sometimes you have to give when you don't have it, because the life that can be changed and the ones attached to those lives are priceless. Being in college has broaden my mind and thought. I have been immersed in cultural and religious courses that have allowed me to get a clear understanding of where I stand and where others stand. It is wonderful to be able to look through another's eyes and see the world in which they see it, so college has allowed me to better identify with others and also accept different faiths and see there purpose. Once you can identify with and accept an individual that is where the relationship can begin. You cannot allow your ideas and perceptions to cloud you so much that you cannot see others clearly for who they are. We must do the work. We must grow, learn and expand our thoughts in order to help the world. I'm reminded of a quote by Pastor LaQuetta Bush-Simmons," I will save the world, one person at a time." That is the key...that the one person you help will in turn help another and so on. So everyone's efforts when done with positive intention will be multiplied and manifested. It's the laws of the harvest. What you sow, is what you will reap.