It is...

It is not me that people love. 

It is not my poetry. 

It is not my dance. 

It is not my smile that can brighten anybody feeling down and less than worthwhile.  

Its an influence, a spirit blowing invisible like the wind that drives my soul.

Baby Blues

The journey into motherhood has been a whirlwind of many emotions and sentiments. It has been a blessing and miracle all in one. It has been terrifying and also exhausting. During my prenatal period with my second child the baby blues has hit me hard. I have a beautiful one year old daughter who was born prematurely due to me developing pre-eclampsia. That experience in itself was chaotic, but out of it came a strong willed, courageous, persistent and independent little girl. Now, my husband and I are on to baby number two and pretty soon after my first. That being said...emotionally I have been in a rut. In a rut trying to be a new wife, mother and also figure out who I am as this new and improved women. I can tell you that, wifehood and motherhood is nothing like how it gets depicted on television. There are women who suffer with mental and emotional battles. Women who are trying to hold down the home, when in reality it looks more like a war zone...

"According to the Centers for Disease Control, 11 to 20% of women who give birth each year have postpartum depression symptoms. If you settled on an average of 15% of four million live births in the US annually, this would mean approximately 600,000 women get PPD each year in the United States alone."

I do not recall ever being depressed before. I have had moments of sadness, doubts and worries but those feelings have never lasted long enough for me to think of it as depression. With this pregnancy and the end of my first pregnancy I think the baby blues has hit me. Adjusting to being a new wife and mother at the same time can be overwhelming. All the ideas and expectations I envisioned about being a wife and mother seem even more unattainable as I am actually experiencing it. I am learning to release my plans, expectations and ideas and allowing God to show me His will and His way. The process is slow and sometimes I just feel as if I cannot go on, but then there is always a glimpse of Hope that this too shall pass. Emotions and feelings are fleeting and change in an instant. As of now my journey to overcoming the baby blues is in the beginning stages. Just today I was crying out about how overwhelmed I am and how hard being a mother can be at times. I am fortunate to have a tribe of people who are willing and available to help me through this journey. However I am oftentimes quiet and keep my inner struggles to myself, but God did not create us to experience life on our own so I have to push past  my embarrassment, shame and guilt often to receive the help and hope that I need...my HOPE is that you will also embark upon your own journey to overcoming the baby blues and depression. You are not alone...

According to postpartumprogress "Only 15% of women with postpartum depression ever receive professional treatment. This means about 850,000 women each year are not getting the help they need."

Overdue

It has been too long since I have written anything. The waves of life have pushed and tossed me all around and sometimes I feel as if I have turned up on an unknown island. I have stepped into a new realm where the old me no longer exist but there is something new desiring to manifest. It is scary at times to see your life unfold following a blueprint you did not create. Ultimately I believe everything happens for a reason and all that occurs is a part of the process that must be undertaken so an individual can continue to be molded and refined. Writing is one of the gifts I have that allows me to release, imagine and discover. I stopped writing because I suppose I would have rather kept myself in the pain of my circumstances than giving myself a way out. It is silly what a human can do when life has took them for a loop. Im glad to be writing again and you also should do whatever it is that God has given you to release, imagine and discover. Never stop practicing your God given talents. You never know who is watching and who will need you to continue on as an example. If we were perfect we wouldnt need Jesus...

A Micro Preemie's Journey Into the World

A Birth Story...

The seed within me had taken root and began to sprout. At around 6 months of being pregnant I began having a terrible migraine for 3 days in a row. Knowing that something was not right I went into the doctors office a week before my scheduled appointment. We had discovered my blood pressure was higher than normal, but my migraine had gone away and my doctor prescribed my medicine. The following weak I felt much better, yet still exhausted from being pregnant. I was also sick during my whole pregnancy which consisted of nausea and daily vomiting, with little eating. I arrived for my routine and scheduled doctor appointment a week later and we discovered that my blood pressure was extreme higher than normal and after 3-4 readings of my blood pressure, my doctor told me to admit myself to hospital immediately. I was concerned but did not really have an idea of all that was about to unfold in the next 48 hours. I went to the hospital and waited in the waiting room almost two hours to be seen. Once I was seen I received more blood pressure checks and my levels continued to escalate. The attending physician immediately decided that what I was experiencing could be deadly and was called severe toxemia or pre-eclampsia. This occurs in women who are pregnant and their blood pressures spike dramatically, Pregnant women usually get this closer to their due dates, yet for me only being 24 weeks (6 months) it was very odd. I was terrified once the doctor told me that I would have to deliver the baby. I attempted to hold in my terror and tears until I called my Spiritual-Mother and the ocean of tears, sadness, disappointment, terror flooded what felt like every inch of my body and I could hardly talk. The attending physician decided that I would be transported to UCI Medical Center since it is #1 in dealing with high risk births and premature infants. This was a HUGE blessing and the best hospital for me to deliver my love seed at. My husband, spiritual mother and bug sister from church rushed down to see me. I remember seeing there faces and feeling a blanket of comfort and peace wrap me up, The ambulence from UCI Medical Center made it to me and we prayed before I headed off to my next destination. The medicine they gave me left me feeling extremely nauseous, hot and had me vomiting quite a bit. The two nurses that assisted me on the ambulance ride were like two angels, They made me feel safe and comfortable and were very sweet. We made it to the hospital and my husband tailed the ambulance the entire way there. We were taken to the maternity area and my nurses informed me on the medications I was given to try and reduce my blood pressure. My blood pressure was checked every hour and I couldnt eat anything because the medicine caused me to be nauseous and hot so food wouldnt go down well. I did get to eat ice though. My husband (fiance at the time) is my super hero! He was with me the whole time I was there and didnt leave my sight except to eat and use the restroom, lol. This was a time of trouble and terror and he remained calm which kept me calm and hopeful through it all. It was like the time Jesus and his boys were in the boat and the storm came. Jesus is sleeping and the rest of them are going crazy and Jesus wakes up like why ya;ll trippin' Lol! My husband exemplified the characteristics of Jesus and I know that God was proud of him as my husband supported me through with the help of Jesus, in the midst of the unknown. Thought in my  mind were tripping over one another as I thought of delivering a baby at 6 months...would she survive? Would I survive surgery? What was God trying to tell me? There were so many questions and thoughts and this experience was so unknown I had no blueprint for what to expect.The next day we were told that I would be on bedrest until I deliver, This was upsetting news being that I was in the middle of Fall Quarter and I did not want to drop any of my classes! I know, who worries about school at a time like this? I do! Lol! Yet if I had to be on bedrest then so be it! I would email my Professors and work something out. So it was comforting knowing that I would be on bedrest in the hospital but not so comforting living in a hospital the next 3 months, but I was willing to do whatever it would take for my Love Seed. So the end of day 2 went okay but my blood pressure was still the same. The doctors decided the next morning to do an ultrasound and look at the baby and check her growth and how she is doing. They discovered that there was blockage in the umbilical cord and that she had not been receiving all her nutrients so she was on the smaller side for a six month old baby and that it would be best to deliver her sooner than later. They went over with us all the developmental risks that could arise and it all become overwhelming and tears began to flow. The doctors were very tactful and encouraged me to cry if needed. Sunday came and we still were in the waiting game. Doctors hadnt finalized anything so we figured that I would continue to remain on bedrest. Then we get word late afternoon that a cesarean section would be performed in the next hour on me. What?! Oh my God! Okay! Everything will be okay, right? Im scared but whatever happens God you'll take care of my husband and the baby, right? These are thoughts that I am thinking but we continue to remain hopeful as our trust is in the Lord. I knew my church  (Immanuel Praise Fellowship) was praying for me!! I trusted and believed and God allowed a prayer warrior angel to call me before the c-section and she said, "Say to yourself, "I will live and my baby will live!" And that is what I did. At 15:22 on October 11, 2015, a love seed was born at 1 pound and 3 ounces and came out of me with a Spontaneous cry!!

 Wow! God is good! This little half-baked bundle of love came out praising God! So our Love Seed was here and immediately rushed to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Where she was cared for by the BEST Doctors, Nurses, Respiratory Therapist, Physical/Occupational Therapist, Social Worker and Staff!! The NICU journey is for another blog, but our little girl made it and came roaring into this world!! Her name is Makeda Brielle, pronounced Mah-Kay-Dah. Her name is inspired by the African Queen of Sheba and means Greatness! In Hebrew her name means high tower, Brielle means "God is your strength." Our Love Seed is destined and purposed for Greatness. God is intentional and She is intentional.

Unfinished Business | Initiate |

This journey has been different. My experiences in how I have struggled and persevered has been pretty great. I am in this moment where everything is new and unfamiliar. It is an uncomfortable stage and position to be in and yet I know that even in the midst of this I will overcome. It seems like I was born to overcome and not because of me or on my own account but possibly for a greater purpose then just me. All my life I have always tried to be right and to be better. I have tried to live a life to prove that I am not just small, that I am not just a black girl, that I am more. Childhood in its intricacies and complexities has configured me with an interconnected woven like material of self doubt, strength, heartache, endurance, love, as well as so many other fine components. Childhood is why I long to be better than my past and prove to myself and my family, the world, others that I as a Black woman can do great things, persevere and redefine myself. Though this sounds great, reality as I perceive it, dictates how I actually begin to realize my life. My notion of my past, how I perceive it gets in the way of my "now," my present and how details of my life are realized. It seems simple to just let go of your past and the parts that cause you pain, but maybe instead of letting go, one must face it, head on. When you distant yourself from your pains, traumas, tragedies....they seem small and easy to accept and understand, but distance blurs perception. When you face your pains, traumas and tragedies you see/visualize and perceive them with every painful, gratifying, transformational emotion that you can and in the mist of those most beautiful yet terrifying feelings, emotions and memories you become the Giant over your unfinished business. Unfinished business is something a person needs to work on or deal with: something that has not been done, dealt with or completed. In order to have a holistic life I think we have to experience love, pain, joy, tragedy, success, failure, etc. If we do not know sadness, how then will we know what happiness is, feels like and embodies. It is easy to write about but not so easy to initiate. Yet, I believe writing is a form of initiation. My writing is a catalyst in my transformation and how I will continue to perceive reality. It is time to open the box of unfinished business and initiate my process to healing and a holistic life. Only you can be the initiator in the process of your own healing.

Your Silence Will Not Protect You, It Will Not Save You.

Majority of my life I have exercised silence. Ever since I can remember I have been more of an observer than a talker. I have learned to be silent and have been told to be silent. Silence has come over me in voluntary ways and some in, involuntary ways. Writing has been my silent language and for so long I have exercised and practiced it well. My silence and writing have been good to me and helped me through unpleasant experiences. Silence has allowed me to observe and interpret and more often than not overthink whats been poured in. Silence can reap benefits, but at the same instance silence can kill. There will come a season where one will become so full with experience that the silence within will need to be heard and the uncomfortabilities of the soul will need to be stirred. I am not saying that people should talk to just be talking. Your story will be meaningless if  it does not meet the ears of a person who is in the motion of seeking a story with the abilities to free & enlighten. Audre Lorde said, "Your silence will not protect you, it will not save you," so imagine if you could open the doors to heaven with your words. Silence is a beautiful gift...but there will come a time when the wisdom, experience, hardships, success, joys you have acquired will need to help someone else live inspired. My Silence...spoken in Love is to come soon.

Written in Love,
J.N Clark

Prolgue to Love

Life in its very essence has been a road of ashes transformed into a road of beauty & transformation.  I've learned how to love & accept love on a level I've never experienced before.  I've seen how past experiences prepared me for what I encountered in 2015. I witnessed God's power & strength in situations I've never imagined being in. All in all God has shown me the constancy in His love. I've realized the power in the gifts He has given me. I see the threat to evil when my gifts are operated. I've seen new life birthed and seen death take its course. Ive got to bear witness to the fruit of seeds I've planted and prayers that I've prayed. Im still on the road and as the ashes fall away, God's beauty beams through. My story as it is written will be written in LOVE. More to come...

In Love,
J.N Clark